dang
so once you finally acknowledge the persistant meddling existence of this God guy, and you grudgingly admit to needing him, and you just open your life a crack and let him start tinkering with "just this one thing," the next thing you know...

all the bets are off. it's cliched because it's true: THIS changes everything. it's like some perspective shift in a movie when the camera spins 180 degrees, then spins another 180 degrees, alters color perception, whirls again, and all the old black and white blurry pictures take another dimension of focus, and then another, and then another, and the pace of the film has picked up so incredibly much and every five seconds there's an "oooh" or an "AHHHHHH" or an "oh, ouch..." or a "look out!" and the changes are coming so fast it's impossible to keep up, and you don't know whether to be scared or excited or laughing or what because something so much bigger than any pattern you've ever imagined is beginning to emerge and you've just seen one itty bitty corner that is so tremendously bigger and shocking than you've ever imagined...

it's like kayaking. and the river just surged to flood stage. it's class five with no eddies and no place to get out and nothing to do but paddle impotently and scream. this nice controllable walk with God has become something alive of it self...

raging
breathtaking
shocking
ripping
roaring
full of loss
full of grandeur
wild beyond what is reasonable
horrifying
totally past high-stakes
terrifyingly
heartrendingly
beautifully
exhilirating.

and really really scary. because everything stable and secure (even if a bit angst-inducing) just got tossed and the dice are rolling and only God (if he does) knows what will emerge from the maelstrom.

everything i thought about myself and about life is being totally reevaluated.

reborn.