David Plotz Reads the Bible

David Plotz, a lifelong practicing Jew, decided to read through the Bible after opening it while bored and stumbling into the gruesome story of the Rape of Dinah in Genesis (also known as "How to get an entire tribe to inflict terrible pain onthemselves, then slaughter them when they are helpless in their misery, even though there are two of you and lots of them; or, "Don't f**k around with the canny bastards who inherited Jacob's trickybastard genes."

So, he decided to read the Bible, and blog it. It's good reading. It's a great relief to see the sheer volume of characters God deals with in "the OT." It's good for the chronically spiritually insecure to be incapable of picking up a theme for God's chosen. They really run the gamut from passive-aggressive, wheeling/dealing, chill, righteous, absolutely unrighteous, dumb, stubborn...also, some God speaks to, and some God does not. You just can't predict who God's going to pick, and what he's going to do for them (or to them, for that matter), or whether or not they're particularly going to like it, or whether even God will keep his promises. Freddy Buechner says that the Old Testament is one tough pill to swalllow for the moralists everywhere--there's no discernible, predictable connection between the moral behavior (or intelligence, or likeability, or theology) of the actors and their general lot in life. Life just sort of happens to them, and they muddle along, and some are better than others, and they reap various practical rewards for their good behavior, sometimes, but there's just no sure way to be God's favorite.

(Oddly, also, the account has left the Barenaked Ladies' "Old Apartment" in my head: "This is where we used to live...")

Excerpt:

"Chapter 8
Another Deuteronomy line that everyone knows: "Man does not live by bread alone."

I know that President Bush is an avid Bible reader. I hope he and his speechwriters have been poring over Deuteronomy. Here's why: We don't have the resources to start another war right now, but we still need to force our enemies to behave. If Bush is drafting a speech that will scare the bejesus out of the Iranians (or perhaps, scare the bemuhammad out of them), he should look no further than the Deut. It's one long threat! A few highlights, chosen practically at random from the thunderous verses of Chapter 7 and 8.

"I warn you this day that you shall certainly perish."

or

We "shall obliterate their name from under the heavens."

or

"God will also send a plague against them, until those who are left in hiding perish before you."

or

"The Lord's anger will blaze forth against you and He will promptly wipe you out."

How do Deuteronomy's imprecations fit together with the book's sublime prayers like the Shema? They don't! And that's what confuses me. It's a Jekyll and Hyde of a book. The Shema, which orders us to love God with all our heart and mind, is quickly followed by rip-their-guts-out Saw-like cursing from God and Moses. That's how the whole book has gone so far: Gorgeous invocations to faith alternate with saber-rattling and lightning bolts. It's like a biblical good-cop, bad-cop routine. I suppose it's effective, because it keeps you off balance. In any given moment, it's not clear if you are supposed to love God or fear Him, so you'd better do both."

Moment of Free Associative Musing: The Torah is full of grandiose promises that don't get fulfilled: inheriting all the land, living in peace, multiplied by thousands upon thousands, bountiful harvests, utter destruction, etc, etc... It reminds me of all the Arabists and Middle Eastern experts who explain that honest liberal-minded moderates cannot govern Iraq--you have to have larger-than-life sheikhs with flowery rhetoric and iron fists, you have to make grandiose promises that you cannot possibly keep, you have to wheedle and deal and be dishonest and play factions off against each other, you have inspire fear in your enemies and be fiercely loyal to your friends, right or wrong. Sounds a lot like God and Moses and the patriarchs.